Accidentally Moving to the Ghetto

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Despite being chained to a mountain of debt, Jess and Lexi set out after college to escape their vapid Jersey hometown in an attempt to find the underbelly of a city where the people are provocative, the environment is stimulating, and the whiskey is cheap.

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Crazy Cat Cycling Club

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Lexi always got on Jess about leaving the house with damp hair, arguing that apparently “air-drying your hair by leaving your windows down on the drive to work” was not an acceptable form of hair drying.

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The Tardigrades

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It’d been two weeks and three days since Jess heard nothing but radio silence from her flame, Chris James: the same silence that haunted their meals together the last few weeks of their relationship.

But Jess didn’t know it was over, really over until now.

After neurotically analyzing every inch of his profile while twisting in the agony of her unrequited love, Jess finally got her answer. Not from a phone call or a response to her regrettably meek texts asking when she would see him again, but from an updated status confirming Jess’ worst fear.

And now Jess wasn’t preoccupied with his updates anymore- she was consumed with hers.

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Aim For The Ground, Not The Stars

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“Jesus, even in your fantasies you shoot for the floor,” Nick said, holding up the ragged sleeve of Jess’ costume.

Oh, the stars, that’s right, I’m supposed to aim for the stars,” Jess answered in the least mocking tone she could muster. After five years of marriage, Nick decided it was time to divulge his shameful secret- he loved Renaissance fairs. No, not loved, obsessed, he was obsessed with renaissance fairs. Nothing made him happier, he said, than dressing up in a historically accurate costume, eating a turkey leg in one hand and drinking beer from his chipped bull horn in the other. So that’s how Jess found herself here, dressed in a period-accurate costume as a wench. Something she never thought to put on her own bucket list.

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Global Dodge Ball

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Because that’s what it feels like, doesn’t it? A ginormous game of dodge ball.

The game was on. Jess mentally prepared herself. Physically prepared herself. Then it was time, the clock started when the virus hit her area. Just one case at first. Then two. But Jess was ready, so ready. She had a bottle of hand sanitizer, plenty of meds, a bottle of Wild Turkey, and cans upon cans of food that will probably follow her into retirement.

To say Jess was excited to play the game is an overstatement; but, prepared, resolved to beat this virus- yes.

And like every game of dodge ball that Jess ever played, she was out in round one.

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I’ll Take A Corona, Hold The Virus

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The boss huddles everyone in the office together, and then immediately realizes his error.

He gestures for everyone to move back, and instinctively everyone moves back six feet.

Actually, I don’t know if they moved back six feet. I haven’t really mapped out how far six feet is. My measuring style is more like what people did back in the days before standardized measurements were enforced. I even cook this way. I eyeball a cup of flour, then eyeball a teaspoon of salt. And in this case, I eyeballed six feet, which is six long steps back. Sure, that should do it. Although, I feel like it should be said that I’m not a good cook. Which was fine two weeks ago. Two weeks ago I could be a willy nilly bad cook and it didn’t matter. But now, with the world upside, Darwinism is a thing again, and ‘willy nilly’ is risky business.

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The Squeak

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The noise sounded like air slowly being released from a balloon– or at least that’s what Elle thought.

When she heard the sound, her whole body was bathing in the warmth of his radiant heat; her arms coiled around his barrel chest, fingers entwined in a thicket of chest hair, breasts flattening with every perfectly in sync inhale. She was in a complete state of ecstasy; high on his virile pheromones and the scent of his musky cologne.

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Devil Jumped Out Of The Mississippi Sky

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Lieutenant Smarmy was full of glaring contradicts.

But his impish and righteous nature somehow symbiotically worked together.

So, it wasn’t surprising when my fellow officer deceptively gave me a klonopin pill to calm my nerves before a jump. A pill which I gobbled up with many thanks after believing he had given me some knock-off brand Dramamine for my inevitable motion sickness.

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UNSANCTIONED

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Vomit covered her shirt, but that didn’t stop her from taking another shot before the unsanctioned lift off.

The pod was crowded with other refugees who were hoping to make it out of earth without having to sell an organ or cram into the transport cubbyholes with the other hapless indentured servants.

Why should the elites be the only ones to breathe fresh air? After all, it was their fathers’ fathers that destroyed this place.

The other refugees were mostly families, tired parents with young children littered across the floor. Bae wished they would be quiet. And buckle up. The shuttle could take off at any moment with no notice at all, or at least that was Bae’s assumption based on how little their “guides” were communicating with them.

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The Tale of Lieutenant Cat Lady

How Many Cats Do You Have?

Its tough being a female in the Army, especially when your subordinates undermine you by calling you ‘Lieutenant Cat Lady’- and the name sticks.

Sergeant Gargantuan assured me, though, that the name was an endearing sign of respect, and I was quick to believe him.

I was issued the nickname after a lanky squad leader – who fell into the snarky misfit category – noticed that I wasn’t wearing any rank on my beret one morning when I walked up to the company’s building. He pointed it out to me politely, but with a smirk on his face.

I raised my hand to my beret and felt the smooth patch of cloth where my rank should have been. Remembering the sound of my cats batting around some metal object in the middle of the night, I suddenly realized what happened to the rank that was supposed to be pinned on the center of the flash.

Like a fool, I announced my findings out loud: “Oh, my cats must have pulled it off.”

The lanky squad leader saluted me and continued walking briskly on his way. The discussion seemed mundane at best, to me anyways. But apparently, I was wrong.

Before I even had the chance to sit down at my desk, Sergeant Gargantuan had already heard the rumor that was spreading like wildfire around the building- the new platoon leader owns nine cats.

In actuality, I owned two.

“It’s interesting how so many chicks want to dress up as ‘cat woman’ for Halloween, and yet no one seems to go to parties dressed up as ‘cat lady’,” Sergeant Gargantuan said as a greeting when I walked in the door. He raised two finger guns in the air, made a sputtering noise through pursed lips as he cocked his imaginary shotguns back, and screamed “Woo Wee!” when he fired them off. An idiosyncrasy that grew old after the first time, but after the 40th time Sergeant Gargantuan still found hilarious.

Shelter Cats Need Love Too

The nickname was further cemented into eternity when a couple of my soldiers caught me at 3 am playing with cats in the animal shelter on the military installation.

Every cage door was open.

Cats were running a muck.

And standing in the middle of the room, donned fully in police gear, was the culprit of the mess.

I tried my best to look as authoritative as possible while holding a kitten in each hand, but my soldiers fell to their knees in laughter as soon as they caught me.

Technically, I wasn’t breaking any rules. Checking the shelter during the middle was the night WAS one of my duties. Giving the cats some play time was just me going above and beyond the call of duty.

The shelter on base was one of law enforcement’s required nightly checks to make sure the building was secured and the animals were all in good shape. The requirement for the checks was put in place after the third incident in two months of a Pitbull killing another dog in its cage during the middle of the night. Truth be told, this was a result of novice police officers putting Pitbulls (a breed that’s not authorized on base) that they received calls about and had to pick up, in cages with other dogs (which is against shelter policy). So the checks were meant to clean up the mess that law enforcement created.

Despite the sad reasoning behind the inspection, I eagerly volunteered to conduct the check on every night shift I worked. Of course I would “check on” the animals in the shelter. Who wouldn’t? Only people with no souls who hate adorable, fluffy creatures.

I purposefully saved the shelter check until the witching hour when it was hardest to stay awake on shift.

The check was by far the best task I had ever been given in the Army, which was evident to my soldiers – a pudgy outcast and his brawny, plain-faced, eccentric female partner – who caught me gleefully playing with all the cats when they walked into the shelter.

Officer Pudgy and Officer Plain-face both played dumb when they walked through the door, saying they saw my patrol car parked outside and decided to do a courtesy stop to see if I “needed any backup.”

Cat Lady, Savior of Cats

It was only a couple of weeks after discovering me at the shelter that the same two soldiers showed up at my apartment on my day off.

When I answered the door, the first thing I saw was the patrol vehicle parked in the lot. The second thing was the snickering faces of Officer Pudgy and Officer Plain-face. They were on duty and unauthorized to be off post, yet there they were, standing at my door; and clawing up Officer Pudgy’s chest was a stray cat that looked like it just finished an alley fight with a grizzly bear.

Apparently believing that my home was a den for rescue felines, the soldiers pleaded with me to take the cat in because they had taken a liking to the furry guy during their shelter checks and were sure it would be put to sleep at the shelter.

It was the ugliest cat I had ever seen. And to this day I regret not taking that cat in.