It’d been two weeks and three days since Jess heard nothing but radio silence from her flame, Chris James: the same silence that haunted their meals together the last few weeks of their relationship.
But Jess didn’t know it was over, really over until now.
After neurotically analyzing every inch of his profile while twisting in the agony of her unrequited love, Jess finally got her answer. Not from a phone call or a response to her regrettably meek texts asking when she would see him again, but from an updated status confirming Jess’ worst fear.
And now Jess wasn’t preoccupied with his updates anymore- she was consumed with hers.
The noise sounded like air slowly being released from a balloon– or at least that’s what Elle thought.
When she heard the sound, her whole body was bathing in the warmth of his radiant heat; her arms coiled around his barrel chest, fingers entwined in a thicket of chest hair, breasts flattening with every perfectly in sync inhale. She was in a complete state of ecstasy; high on his virile pheromones and the scent of his musky cologne.
Lieutenant Smarmy was full of glaring contradicts.
But his impish and righteous nature somehow symbiotically worked together.
So, it wasn’t surprising when my fellow officer deceptively gave me a klonopin pill to calm my nerves before a jump. A pill which I gobbled up with many thanks after believing he had given me some knock-off brand Dramamine for my inevitable motion sickness.
A humorous and unapologetically honest look into the Army from the female perspective.
Even on my last day, as I waited to sign the form releasing me from the military constraints I put on as a wide-eyed, snot-nosed college graduate, I was asked the question that plagued my entire seven years of service as a Military Police Officer: “So, was it hard being a woman in the military?”
I tried everything I could think of to get my breathing under control. I used breathing techniques I learned from meditation apps (who claimed the techniques were the same ones SEALS operatives use when under fire.) I tried telling myself everything was OK. I imagined the doctor telling me everything was OK. I told myself, fuck it- worse thing that could happen is that you die, and you gotta die one day anyway. Somehow even that nihilistic reasoning did nothing to calm me. My husband couldn’t calm me. Doctor’s couldn’t calm me. Even the nurse telling me to think of cute puppies couldn’t calm me down.
Like hundreds of thousands of people across the globe, I spruced up my “office,” aka the kitchen table, to make it feel a bit more…officey. I put a cup full of pens next to my computer, dug up some old, half-used notepads and moved all the plants in my house over to the two windows closest to the fold up table I started working on, giving the room a cozier feel.
Being locked in my house over the weekend, everything was clean. More than clean, sparkling. Surgery could be done in any room. Cleaning was a great way to kill time and anxiety about COVID-19. Okay, not just cleaning, but cleaning with wine was the ticket.
You already know that you need to dress for success (get your suit dry cleaned, polish your shoes and comb your hair). But, if you want to give yourself a quick boost of self confidence and look like an intellectual, go ahead and upgrade your outfit with some thick-framed or wired glasses (whatever gives you the more ‘I’m an authority on this topic’ look). Only you will know those glasses are, well, glass. And besides, it will even give you something to fiddle with during the interview if you’re nervous.
I sensed something was amidst when a 40-something blonde gent with a glint of crazy in his eyes meandered into the bank holding a large, extravagant chalice. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who sensed it, because the two other tellers working that day scattered like cockroaches when they saw the curiously sweaty man in a stained, white t-shirt walking towards the teller counters.
After a four mile jog, I was only a few blocks from my home when I watched a blue van drive past me and unexpectedly slam on the breaks. The van stopped dead in the middle of the road, only a few feet in front of me.
My brain immediately told me that this was odd and that continuing to run past the van probably wasn’t a great idea. I slowed my jog down to a walk and stopped when I saw the van shift into reverse and began driving in my direction.
The only thing you need to worry about is picking out your wedding dress and shoes. Everything else (the flowers, ceremony location, cake, music, dinner, photos, decorations, your hair and makeup, etc.) is handled by your highly experienced wedding planner. Your wedding planner will hold your hand through the entire process and layout your choices in a simple, organized fashion. And you usually have the option to customize your wedding as well.
You will have so little stress before your wedding that you will have to lie to your friends about how stressed you are.
2. Breathtaking Photos
Imagine the sunset backdrop of your wedding in: Fiji, Tahiti, the Caribbean, or Europe. The best part of eloping is the freedom to spend as much time as you want driving around to various stunning locations- whether they are historical or tropical, and taking the photos that you will remember for a lifetime.
If your wedding is on an island, trash your dress and take some underwater photos.
3. No Family Drama
With divorce rates in the US between 38%-40%, it is likely that you will need to figure out how to separate your parents (and your fiance’s parents) so that they physically can’t see each other at the wedding. And don’t forget about that drunk uncle and likely-to-be-high cousin while you are delicately sifting through the complex relationships of your family when planning your seating arrangements.
Aren’t financial troubles one of the top reasons for divorce? Why not start your marriage on the right foot- out of debt and with some savings in the bank. If you plan you’re trip right, you can have your wedding and honeymoon under $10K.
Instead of spending $20,000 on an elaborate wedding, why not put that money towards the down payment of your house?
5. Jump Right Into Your Honeymoon
Too many people miss out on having their honeymoon because they either 1. don’t have money left over after their exuberant wedding or 2. have difficulty getting time off of work for their wedding and their honeymoon. Eloping is an affordable and easy way to do both.
Get married and wake up the next morning on your villa over the water.
6. It’s Just About The Two Of You
Sure, you and your fiance can bond together through the stress and trials of planning a wedding with your friends and family…or you can bond together while drinking cocktails and taking naps during all the extra free time that you both have because you’re not planning a wedding.
The best way to guarantee that your wedding is just about the two of you is to have the wedding be just the two of you.
8. Fighting crime in high heels is just not practical
I can’t make it to my desk at work in high heels without rolling my ankle, let alone fight crime.
7. Hair styles that would never work in a fight
If I don’t put my hair in a pony tail when I workout at the gym, my hair sticks to my sweaty face immediately and I have to peel it back to see. Oh, but look, Rogue is wearing a sweatband- so, she’ll be fine.
6. Outfits that are so tight that they can only be painted on
Their outfits make my spandex pants look like snow pants.
5. Sports bras are never, ever worn
I need two when I go running.
4. Unrealistic body types for fighting crime
Lifting boulders daily- these women should look like fridges, not hourglasses.
3. Despite sweating during a fight, their makeup is always intact
I look like batman after he takes off his mask when I’m done my workout.
2. They all seem to have useless accessories
What on earth is that belt holding up?
1. Apparently, Double D’s are mandatory to fight crime
The plastic surgery clinic in the marvel universe is making bank.
Despite being chained to a mountain of debt, Jess and Lexi set out after college to escape their vapid Jersey hometown in an attempt to find the underbelly of a city where the people are provocative, the environment is stimulating, and the whiskey is cheap.
There is only one rule- no kissing. The Porn Star is heavily influenced by the many, many online porn sites that they peruse. They may even ask you to watch a video during your romp. Role playing, toys, and outfits are all highly encouraged with this partner. Be prepared- things may get messy.
What you need to know: Of course, you’re not spending the night with The Porn Star, so don’t bother packing a night bag.