The Squeak

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The noise sounded like air slowly being released from a balloon– or at least that’s what Elle thought.

When she heard the sound, her whole body was bathing in the warmth of his radiant heat; her arms coiled around his barrel chest, fingers entwined in a thicket of chest hair, breasts flattening with every perfectly in sync inhale. She was in a complete state of ecstasy; high on his virile pheromones and the scent of his musky cologne.

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The Tardigrades

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It’d been two weeks and three days since Jess heard nothing but radio silence from her flame, Chris James: the same silence that haunted their meals together the last few weeks of their relationship.

But Jess didn’t know it was over, really over until now.

After neurotically analyzing every inch of his profile while twisting in the agony of her unrequited love, Jess finally got her answer. Not from a phone call or a response to her regrettably meek texts asking when she would see him again, but from an updated status confirming Jess’ worst fear.

And now Jess wasn’t preoccupied with his updates anymore- she was consumed with hers.

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Runner’s High

CHAPTER 1.2: W…W…W…Why don’t you love me?

Jess almost jumped out of her skin when she bumped into Lexi in the kitchen; despite being the one that looked like a crazy person. Ruddy cheeks. Sweat-infused hair. She looked like a homeless cat lady on Adderall.

Lexi, on the other hand, looked effortlessly beautiful as usual; her black-as-ink, perfectly wavy bedhead hair pouring over her shoulders.

Lexi looked up at Jess and raised an eyebrow that barely wrinkled her dewy walnut skin. She continued pouring scolding hot coffee out of a coffee pot while maintaining eye contact with Jess, peering at her through one squinted eye.

            “Did you go jogging on that bike trail again, Jess? You did, you don’t even have to bother lying to me,” Lexi said as a morning greeting.

The mug Lexi was pouring coffee into was clear, allowing Jess to watch a sludgy silt settle at the bottom. Lexi liked her coffee dark, like a black hole, so nothing could escape it, not even milk. Lexi handed the scolding hot mug of too dark coffee to Jess, and then resumed chiding her while she poured herself a cup.

“You know you’re going to get murdered, right? One day someone is going to find your body floating in the water or tossed out in the woods if you don’t cut it out.”

“I know, you told me already. Thanks for telling my mom that too by the way. She mailed me a rape whistle last week and keeps asking me to text her pictures to show that I’m actually wearing it while I’m jogging,” Jess said, feeling her runner’s high rapidly start to dissolve.

Not relenting, Lexi followed Jess back into her bedroom as Jess continued getting ready for work. Jess rummaged through her drawers until she found her teller vest. Looking through the neckline of her scratchy red teller vest, Jess could see Lexi’s pursed-lips as Jess pulled the vest over her head.

Jess let out long groan; she was in no mood to have this argument again before work.

Sergeant Gargantuan & the Cherry

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My platoon sergeant and I were the odd couple from the start.

Sergeant Gargantuan was mercurial, barrel-chested, and skilled in raconteur.

I was the size of his leg.

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The Newly Wed

man in necktie and dress shirt standing near woman

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HIS MARRIAGE ONLY LASTED THIRTEEN WEEKS. Ninety-one days of pure marital bliss that came to a crashing end when he found himself wailing like an infant on the icy tiles of his bathroom floor; crying out for his lost love, the way she once cried out for him.

Thirteen weeks in and his genteel, lovely wife suddenly had the decorum of a drunken homeless person. While on her knees, she yelled out through the open door for Derek to take off her earrings. It seemed an odd request, but he made for the bathroom anyway to tend to his petite wife who guzzled enough rum earlier to take down a linebacker during their outing with friends.

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How To Care For Your Drunk Wife

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Step 1: When your drunk wife asks you to take off her earrings (which you have never done before), simply ask her how to take them off.

Step 2: When she starts crying because in her drunken haze she’s forgotten how to take off her earrings – it’s time to investigate the mysterious world of earrings. Just take a look at how the earrings are clasped together and reverse engineer how to take them off (like every house maintenance project that’s gone so well).

Step 3: Hold back wife’s hair while she “gets in a screaming match with the toilet”.

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Dollies For Sale

CHAPTER 1: W…W…W…Will You Love Me?

THE TRAIL JESS JOGGED ON EVERY MORNING was either beautiful or terrifying, depending on how you looked at it.

The only time Jess found herself centered and at peace, however, was when she jogged on that winding dirt path in the woods, the one that followed along a muddy creek, buzzing with life.

It was easy to lose herself in the simplistic beauty of it all, despite the unwelcoming scowls from grumpy snapping turtles from time to time.

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Mississippi Sky Devils

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Lieutenant Smarmy was full of glaring contradicts.

But his impish and righteous nature somehow symbiotically worked together.

So, it wasn’t surprising when my fellow officer deceptively gave me a klonopin pill to calm my nerves before a jump. A pill which I gobbled up with many thanks after believing he had given me some knock-off brand Dramamine for my inevitable motion sickness.

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The Whiskey Drifter Writes…

A lover of whiskey, dark humor & story-telling; Elle Rebel writes brutally honest short stories about the droll hijinks of dysfunctional, deeply-flawed, yet lovable misfits.

Whether writing about navigating the treacherous waters of 20-something life, the underbelly of the Army, or married life – Elle Rebel’s stories are shot worthy…better yet, make it a double shot.

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