It’d been two weeks and three days since Jess heard nothing but radio silence from her flame, Chris James: the same silence that haunted their meals together the last few weeks of their relationship.
But Jess didn’t know it was over, really over until now.
After neurotically analyzing every inch of his profile while twisting in the agony of her unrequited love, Jess finally got her answer. Not from a phone call or a response to her regrettably meek texts asking when she would see him again, but from an updated status confirming Jess’ worst fear.
And now Jess wasn’t preoccupied with his updates anymore- she was consumed with hers.
The noise sounded like air slowly being released from a balloon– or at least that’s what Elle thought.
When she heard the sound, her whole body was bathing in the warmth of his radiant heat; her arms coiled around his barrel chest, fingers entwined in a thicket of chest hair, breasts flattening with every perfectly in sync inhale. She was in a complete state of ecstasy; high on his virile pheromones and the scent of his musky cologne.
Lieutenant Smarmy was full of glaring contradicts.
But his impish and righteous nature somehow symbiotically worked together.
So, it wasn’t surprising when my fellow officer deceptively gave me a klonopin pill to calm my nerves before a jump. A pill which I gobbled up with many thanks after believing he had given me some knock-off brand Dramamine for my inevitable motion sickness.
A humorous and unapologetically honest look into the Army from the female perspective.
Even on my last day, as I waited to sign the form releasing me from the military constraints I put on as a wide-eyed, snot-nosed college graduate, I was asked the question that plagued my entire seven years of service as a Military Police Officer: “So, was it hard being a woman in the military?”
I sensed something was amidst when a 40-something blonde gent with a glint of crazy in his eyes meandered into the bank holding a large, extravagant chalice. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who sensed it, because the two other tellers working that day scattered like cockroaches when they saw the curiously sweaty man in a stained, white t-shirt walking towards the teller counters.
After a four mile jog, I was only a few blocks from my home when I watched a blue van drive past me and unexpectedly slam on the breaks. The van stopped dead in the middle of the road, only a few feet in front of me.
My brain immediately told me that this was odd and that continuing to run past the van probably wasn’t a great idea. I slowed my jog down to a walk and stopped when I saw the van shift into reverse and began driving in my direction.
The only thing you need to worry about is picking out your wedding dress and shoes. Everything else (the flowers, ceremony location, cake, music, dinner, photos, decorations, your hair and makeup, etc.) is handled by your highly experienced wedding planner. Your wedding planner will hold your hand through the entire process and layout your choices in a simple, organized fashion. And you usually have the option to customize your wedding as well.
You will have so little stress before your wedding that you will have to lie to your friends about how stressed you are.
2. Breathtaking Photos
Imagine the sunset backdrop of your wedding in: Fiji, Tahiti, the Caribbean, or Europe. The best part of eloping is the freedom to spend as much time as you want driving around to various stunning locations- whether they are historical or tropical, and taking the photos that you will remember for a lifetime.
If your wedding is on an island, trash your dress and take some underwater photos.
3. No Family Drama
With divorce rates in the US between 38%-40%, it is likely that you will need to figure out how to separate your parents (and your fiance’s parents) so that they physically can’t see each other at the wedding. And don’t forget about that drunk uncle and likely-to-be-high cousin while you are delicately sifting through the complex relationships of your family when planning your seating arrangements.
Aren’t financial troubles one of the top reasons for divorce? Why not start your marriage on the right foot- out of debt and with some savings in the bank. If you plan you’re trip right, you can have your wedding and honeymoon under $10K.
Instead of spending $20,000 on an elaborate wedding, why not put that money towards the down payment of your house?
5. Jump Right Into Your Honeymoon
Too many people miss out on having their honeymoon because they either 1. don’t have money left over after their exuberant wedding or 2. have difficulty getting time off of work for their wedding and their honeymoon. Eloping is an affordable and easy way to do both.
Get married and wake up the next morning on your villa over the water.
6. It’s Just About The Two Of You
Sure, you and your fiance can bond together through the stress and trials of planning a wedding with your friends and family…or you can bond together while drinking cocktails and taking naps during all the extra free time that you both have because you’re not planning a wedding.
The best way to guarantee that your wedding is just about the two of you is to have the wedding be just the two of you.
8. Fighting crime in high heels is just not practical
I can’t make it to my desk at work in high heels without rolling my ankle, let alone fight crime.
7. Hair styles that would never work in a fight
If I don’t put my hair in a pony tail when I workout at the gym, my hair sticks to my sweaty face immediately and I have to peel it back to see. Oh, but look, Rogue is wearing a sweatband- so, she’ll be fine.
6. Outfits that are so tight that they can only be painted on
Their outfits make my spandex pants look like snow pants.
5. Sports bras are never, ever worn
I need two when I go running.
4. Unrealistic body types for fighting crime
Lifting boulders daily- these women should look like fridges, not hourglasses.
3. Despite sweating during a fight, their makeup is always intact
I look like batman after he takes off his mask when I’m done my workout.
2. They all seem to have useless accessories
What on earth is that belt holding up?
1. Apparently, Double D’s are mandatory to fight crime
The plastic surgery clinic in the marvel universe is making bank.
Despite being chained to a mountain of debt, Jess and Lexi set out after college to escape their vapid Jersey hometown in an attempt to find the underbelly of a city where the people are provocative, the environment is stimulating, and the whiskey is cheap.
There is only one rule- no kissing. The Porn Star is heavily influenced by the many, many online porn sites that they peruse. They may even ask you to watch a video during your romp. Role playing, toys, and outfits are all highly encouraged with this partner. Be prepared- things may get messy.
What you need to know: Of course, you’re not spending the night with The Porn Star, so don’t bother packing a night bag.
Lexi always got on Jess about leaving the house with damp hair, arguing that apparently “air-drying your hair by leaving your windows down on the drive to work” was not an acceptable form of hair drying.
“Jesus, even in your fantasies you shoot for the floor,” Nick said, holding up the ragged sleeve of Jess’ costume.
“Oh, the stars, that’s right, I’m supposed to aim for the stars,” Jess answered in the least mocking tone she could muster. After five years of marriage, Nick decided it was time to divulge his shameful secret- he loved Renaissance fairs. No, not loved, obsessed, he was obsessed with renaissance fairs. Nothing made him happier, he said, than dressing up in a historically accurate costume, eating a turkey leg in one hand and drinking beer from his chipped bull horn in the other. So that’s how Jess found herself here, dressed in a period-accurate costume as a wench. Something she never thought to put on her own bucket list.
Because that’s what it feels like, doesn’t it? A ginormous game of dodge ball.
The game was on. Jess mentally prepared herself. Physically prepared herself. Then it was time, the clock started when the virus hit her area. Just one case at first. Then two. But Jess was ready, so ready. She had a bottle of hand sanitizer, plenty of meds, a bottle of Wild Turkey, and cans upon cans of food that will probably follow her into retirement.
To say Jess was excited to play the game is an overstatement; but, prepared, resolved to beat this virus- yes.
And like every game of dodge ball that Jess ever played, she was out in round one.