I’ll Take A Corona, Hold The Virus

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The boss huddles everyone in the office together, and then immediately realizes his error.

He gestures for everyone to move back, and instinctively everyone moves back six feet.

Actually, I don’t know if they moved back six feet. I haven’t really mapped out how far six feet is. My measuring style is more like what people did back in the days before standardized measurements were enforced. I even cook this way. I eyeball a cup of flour, then eyeball a teaspoon of salt. And in this case, I eyeballed six feet, which is six long steps back. Sure, that should do it. Although, I feel like it should be said that I’m not a good cook. Which was fine two weeks ago. Two weeks ago I could be a willy nilly bad cook and it didn’t matter. But now, with the world upside, Darwinism is a thing again, and ‘willy nilly’ is risky business.

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The Squeak

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The noise sounded like air slowly being released from a balloon– or at least that’s what Elle thought.

When she heard the sound, her whole body was bathing in the warmth of his radiant heat; her arms coiled around his barrel chest, fingers entwined in a thicket of chest hair, breasts flattening with every perfectly in sync inhale. She was in a complete state of ecstasy; high on his virile pheromones and the scent of his musky cologne.

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Devil Jumped Out Of The Mississippi Sky

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Lieutenant Smarmy was full of glaring contradicts.

But his impish and righteous nature somehow symbiotically worked together.

So, it wasn’t surprising when my fellow officer deceptively gave me a klonopin pill to calm my nerves before a jump. A pill which I gobbled up with many thanks after believing he had given me some knock-off brand Dramamine for my inevitable motion sickness.

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UNSANCTIONED

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Vomit covered her shirt, but that didn’t stop her from taking another shot before the unsanctioned lift off.

The pod was crowded with other refugees who were hoping to make it out of earth without having to sell an organ or cram into the transport cubbyholes with the other hapless indentured servants.

Why should the elites be the only ones to breathe fresh air? After all, it was their fathers’ fathers that destroyed this place.

The other refugees were mostly families, tired parents with young children littered across the floor. Bae wished they would be quiet. And buckle up. The shuttle could take off at any moment with no notice at all, or at least that was Bae’s assumption based on how little their “guides” were communicating with them.

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The Newly Wed

man in necktie and dress shirt standing near woman

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HIS MARRIAGE ONLY LASTED THIRTEEN WEEKS. Ninety-one days of pure marital bliss that came to a crashing end when he found himself wailing like an infant on the icy tiles of his bathroom floor; crying out for his lost love, the way she once cried out for him.

Thirteen weeks in and his genteel, lovely wife suddenly had the decorum of a drunken homeless person. While on her knees, she yelled out through the open door for Derek to take off her earrings. It seemed an odd request, but he made for the bathroom anyway to tend to his petite wife who guzzled enough rum earlier to take down a linebacker during their outing with friends.

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How To Care For Your Drunk Wife

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Step 1: When your drunk wife asks you to take off her earrings (which you have never done before), simply ask her how to take them off.

Step 2: When she starts crying because in her drunken haze she’s forgotten how to take off her earrings – it’s time to investigate the mysterious world of earrings. Just take a look at how the earrings are clasped together and reverse engineer how to take them off (like every house maintenance project that’s gone so well).

Step 3: Hold back wife’s hair while she “gets in a screaming match with the toilet”.

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