The Newly Wed

man in necktie and dress shirt standing near woman

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HIS MARRIAGE ONLY LASTED THIRTEEN WEEKS. Ninety-one days of pure marital bliss that came to a crashing end when he found himself wailing like an infant on the icy tiles of his bathroom floor; crying out for his lost love, the way she once cried out for him.

Thirteen weeks in and his genteel, lovely wife suddenly had the decorum of a drunken homeless person. While on her knees, she yelled out through the open door for Derek to take off her earrings. It seemed an odd request, but he made for the bathroom anyway to tend to his petite wife who guzzled enough rum earlier to take down a linebacker during their outing with friends.

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How To Care For Your Drunk Wife

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Step 1: When your drunk wife asks you to take off her earrings (which you have never done before), simply ask her how to take them off.

Step 2: When she starts crying because in her drunken haze she’s forgotten how to take off her earrings – it’s time to investigate the mysterious world of earrings. Just take a look at how the earrings are clasped together and reverse engineer how to take them off (like every house maintenance project that’s gone so well).

Step 3: Hold back wife’s hair while she “gets in a screaming match with the toilet”.

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The Squeak

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The noise sounded like air slowly being released from a balloon– or at least that’s what Elle thought.

When she heard the sound, her whole body was bathing in the warmth of his radiant heat; her arms coiled around his barrel chest, fingers entwined in a thicket of chest hair, breasts flattening with every perfectly in sync inhale. She was in a complete state of ecstasy; high on his virile pheromones and the scent of his musky cologne.

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